I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
