alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
two words: eviction party
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize