I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
