if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
