My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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