I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
