the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
