I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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