I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm sobbing to NWA
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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