There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think people are normalizing furries
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
