Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
