Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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