I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize