tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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