My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
