Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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