your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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