im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
