I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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