Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
