Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
