i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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