I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
