Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
