Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
