He had one of those small greek statue penises
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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