You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
