someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
