I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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