Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
