so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my shit smells like andre
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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