I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
