hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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