she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
there is puke in my bra ... again
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
