getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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