you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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