apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
