Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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