i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
