I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
