The maid of honor just puked.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize