If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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