i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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