sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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