I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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