When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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