Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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