He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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