Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
