Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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