I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
