I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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