I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We are all done wearing pants today
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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