I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
