i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize