Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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