you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
