Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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