By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
