maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize