is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize