He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
