I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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