whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
